More post-as-letters, because that's what this kind of calls for.

[active_apathy]

Dear fifth glass of merlot,

you're mine. All mine. Resistance is futile (and really hard to clean up after, so please don't). Your tasteful essence, antioxidants, soft tannins, beautiful colour and 14.5% alcohol by volume shall be consumed 'ere the night is done, as will your brethren still in the bottle.

Bwahahaha, et cetera.

Yours drinkingly,
active_apathy



Dear man on escalator,

you probably think that ripped jeans are perennially fashionable. For some, they are. This, however, applies to specific kinds of tears.

When your jeans are torn in close proximity to the gluteal region, they're most definitely not fashionable.

Even so, I'll happily ignore your sartorial problems if you'll do one of two things: please, for the love of sunshine and rainbows and hugs and puppies and kitties and all things else, either (a) invest in some kind of sewing kit, or (b) wear underwear.

Scarred for life,
active_apathy



Dear retailers,

when installing a new point of sale system, favour the fuller form 'point of sale' on all notices visible to potential customers. A sign announcing the impending arrival of a new 'POS system' doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

Yours helpfully,
active_apathy



Dear government-owned public transport monopoly,

the number of people waiting for buses who secretly think "hey, if only I could be listening to The Barber of Seville right. now."?

Probably fewer than you think.

Yours adverbially,
active_apathy



Dear sixth glass of merlot,

you've made the bottle embarrasingly empty, but I'm probably not going to hold it against you.

Yours happily,
active_apathy

Comments

[laurenmitchell.livejournal.com]

Dear Linda,

I love your letters posts. Man on escalator scares me. Ripped jeans should never be so ripped that you look at them and wonder how the rip missed tearing open certain body parts as well.

Also, Barber of Seville is possibly preferable to the hideous noise emanating from the music-playing-device of the person sitting behind me on the train last night, but I'm not sure as I've not heard it.

Love,
Lauren

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Dear Lauren,

Man on escalator was indeed scary. Puzzlingly enough, all signs point out to the scarring being entirely mental, with no gluteal scarring in evidence.

Generally, it depends on the music playing device. Or, rather, the owner of the music playing device. I rather like my own music playing device, but I imagine it'd rather upset some people.

Love,
Linda

p.s. : I completely just typoed that as 'Live'. Yay me.

[laurenmitchell.livejournal.com]

Dear Linda,

I like my music playing device too, but I don't raise the volume to the point where everyone else around me can hear it as well (well, not the portable one, that is. In the case of my computer, it is a little hard to moderate the volume of two speakers and a subwoofer so that only one person can hear the music).

On the other hand, I suspect this person's head might have been empty, thus meaning it acted as an echo chamber and increased the impact of the horrible music on the people surrounding him.

It's 6.15 in the morning and I've had half an hour's sleep. Such a simple typo as that seems eminently reasonable when in this mental state (i.e. exhausted). I have to leave for work soon and it has taken me five minutes to type this response slowly enough to make sure I spell all the big words correctly.

Love,
Lauren

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Dear Lauren,

the world appreciates your choice to not share music from your portable music playing device. This in-principle appreciation is valid pending an investigation into your musical tastes, upon the completion of which a special subcommittee will determine whether or not you should, in fact, be required to share with everyone.

Hearing that you've had only a half-hour's sleep is somewhat distressing. While I appreciate the care you've taken with the big words, it may be neccessary to take you to bed at a more appropriate time, or to find a person (or persons) willing to act in this capacity.

Love,
Linda

[laurenmitchell.livejournal.com]

Dear Linda,

Unfortunately, today's music was nonexistent due to me not recharging the portable music playing device in question. At present, however, I am listening to Missy Higgins. If this does not meet with your approval, you are welcome to come down here and attempt to get me to change it in person. (If it does meet with your approval, you could always come down here and listen to it with me.)

As for the sleep issue, it was not so much a matter of the time at which I adjourned to bed (10.20 PM), nor yet the time at which I stopped blathering on about The X Files and actually started attempting to sleep (midnight), but rather a matter of not being able to fall asleep when I actually tried to. Sadly, modifications to my bedtime routine (such as not blathering on about The X Files until midnight) rarely correct the problem; sleep comes when it will, not when I need it. I am considering valerian tablets, but will have to wait until I have somewhat more than the grand sum of ninety cents.

Love,
Lauren

P.S. Fortunately, sleeplessness did not prevent me from doing my job accurately and well today. Unfortunately, when one co-worker jokingly suggested that I wasn't having enough sex... let's just say that she claimed my response was TMI, rather than the self-defensive and non-specific statement that it actually was.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Dear Lauren,

forgetting to recharge portable music playing devices can be ill news indeed. I mostly recharge mine by accident; the lowest I've seen it is at about two hours left.

Sometimes I seem to have the opposite sleep issue - occasionally, sleep comes whether I will it or no, without apparent cause nor warning. I'll be happily minding my own business, and then the pressing need for a nap comes unbidden. Perhaps we could arrange some kind of exchange, leaving us each with more sensible sleep patterns.

For now, though, I have productive LJ-things to be doing. Hopefully, there'll be some community stuff sorted out before I stagger to bed, um, this morning.

Love,
Linda

[laurenmitchell.livejournal.com]

Dear Linda,

Accident? As in, 'whoops, I slipped and fell on the recharging cord'?

A sleep exchange would be great. The one night recently that I slept right through and felt good when I woke up, my team leader at work had insomnia, which just goes to show that there is not enough sleep for everyone.

Huzzah for productive thingys!

Love,
Lauren

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Dear Lauren,

Accident as in "oh, that charges it, doesn't it. You'd think I'd remember that by now."

Shiny. All that we need is to find some vessel capable of carrying sleep.

So far, huzzah for spending copious amounts of time with Photoshop. But, there will be productivity. Soon-ish.

Love,
Linda

[arib.livejournal.com]

Dear active_apathy,

You seem to have lucked out in the merlot department, for the merlot I had last night was far too dry and almost bitter. It's okay, because I had some rather nice wine today.

yrs,
arib

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Dear arib,

In fairness, I live in a country with an utterly fantastic wine industry. You have to be rather unlucky to get truly hideous wine here.

If you're interested, the one mentioned in this post was a 2004 Wyndham Estate merlot; their website suggests that it should be available in the US, if you wanted to go looking for it.

Rgds,
active_apathy

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

Dear Sir/Madam,

We note that your coffin lid is getting a lot of usage lately. May I reccommend CoffinLid 2.0, with the Revolving Door function? Many of our patrons who are rising from the dead more often in this busy world have found it tremendously useful. We also have SpaceWarpGateway avalable in beta, if that is more to your liking - please drop us a line for an upgrade key at very low prices.

Yrs
CoffinCorp

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Dear CoffinCorp,

With regard to your communication of the 18th of this month, I must express some measure of disinterest in the products you've suggested.

Following my recent purchase of a premium 3-chamber crypt, complete with ocean views, hot and cold running victims, ensuite enbalming facilities, built-in ossuaries, and open-plan unliving areas, traditional in-ground coffin designs are less than satisfactory for the interior décor.

I would, however, be interested to see what you may have available in the area of sleek, modern sarcophagi. Desired features would include an actuated lid, and - if possible - home theater, music, and computer facilities. Some kind of heating system should also be desirable; it's unfortunate that so many designers of coffins and sarcophagi these days still take for granted the bodily warmth of the living.

Ideally, the coffin for same would include some facility for drainage, and a removable, washable lining, in order to more easily clean up hard-to-remove stains such as red wine, coffee, or the blood of virgins seduced to horrifying yet erotic deaths.

I look forward to further correspondence on these matters.

Rgds,
active_apathy

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

Dear Final Resting Place Owner,

We have many products available to tailor to the needs of you, our customer. As per your missive this March 18th, we suggest an upgrade to Pyramid 2000 (BC). Featuring full entertainment facilities with optional Giant Death Harmonium, improved insulation and higher bug protection (all that decay can be so uncomfortable). Or you may prefer Pyramid DeLuxe, which features all of the same plus an elevator complete with Spooky Mist functions for all your rising terrifyingly out of the very earth needs. You'll be the life of the wake! Pyramid DeLuxe also comes with a handy kitchenette including a central altar with ritual grooves designed for maximum efficiency in blood drain-off.

Both products come with Coffin Pro, which is customisable for any lining available on the face of the earth and no less than twelve different styles of lid, including the aforementioned revolving door for the early riser.

All prices are quoted in the attached brochure, which also includes pictures.

We hope our product comes to your satisfaction,
Yrs
CoffinCorp.

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

I've long thought that "POS" might just be the worst acronym ever in English language...

Poor, poor merlot. I had better keep it company in wine heaven with some more berrywine tonight. Wait, I can't... because I finished mine yesterday, too. Hah.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

It certainly is. By way of contrast, I've long thought that TLA is probably the best acronym ever.

Wine heaven is an interesting thought. It may need experimentation to find out if it exists and, if so, where it is.