More post-as-letters, because that's what this kind of calls for.

[active_apathy]

Dear fifth glass of merlot,

you're mine. All mine. Resistance is futile (and really hard to clean up after, so please don't). Your tasteful essence, antioxidants, soft tannins, beautiful colour and 14.5% alcohol by volume shall be consumed 'ere the night is done, as will your brethren still in the bottle.

Bwahahaha, et cetera.

Yours drinkingly,
active_apathy



Dear man on escalator,

you probably think that ripped jeans are perennially fashionable. For some, they are. This, however, applies to specific kinds of tears.

When your jeans are torn in close proximity to the gluteal region, they're most definitely not fashionable.

Even so, I'll happily ignore your sartorial problems if you'll do one of two things: please, for the love of sunshine and rainbows and hugs and puppies and kitties and all things else, either (a) invest in some kind of sewing kit, or (b) wear underwear.

Scarred for life,
active_apathy



Dear retailers,

when installing a new point of sale system, favour the fuller form 'point of sale' on all notices visible to potential customers. A sign announcing the impending arrival of a new 'POS system' doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

Yours helpfully,
active_apathy



Dear government-owned public transport monopoly,

the number of people waiting for buses who secretly think "hey, if only I could be listening to The Barber of Seville right. now."?

Probably fewer than you think.

Yours adverbially,
active_apathy



Dear sixth glass of merlot,

you've made the bottle embarrasingly empty, but I'm probably not going to hold it against you.

Yours happily,
active_apathy

Comments

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Dear CoffinCorp,

With regard to your communication of the 18th of this month, I must express some measure of disinterest in the products you've suggested.

Following my recent purchase of a premium 3-chamber crypt, complete with ocean views, hot and cold running victims, ensuite enbalming facilities, built-in ossuaries, and open-plan unliving areas, traditional in-ground coffin designs are less than satisfactory for the interior décor.

I would, however, be interested to see what you may have available in the area of sleek, modern sarcophagi. Desired features would include an actuated lid, and - if possible - home theater, music, and computer facilities. Some kind of heating system should also be desirable; it's unfortunate that so many designers of coffins and sarcophagi these days still take for granted the bodily warmth of the living.

Ideally, the coffin for same would include some facility for drainage, and a removable, washable lining, in order to more easily clean up hard-to-remove stains such as red wine, coffee, or the blood of virgins seduced to horrifying yet erotic deaths.

I look forward to further correspondence on these matters.

Rgds,
active_apathy

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

Dear Final Resting Place Owner,

We have many products available to tailor to the needs of you, our customer. As per your missive this March 18th, we suggest an upgrade to Pyramid 2000 (BC). Featuring full entertainment facilities with optional Giant Death Harmonium, improved insulation and higher bug protection (all that decay can be so uncomfortable). Or you may prefer Pyramid DeLuxe, which features all of the same plus an elevator complete with Spooky Mist functions for all your rising terrifyingly out of the very earth needs. You'll be the life of the wake! Pyramid DeLuxe also comes with a handy kitchenette including a central altar with ritual grooves designed for maximum efficiency in blood drain-off.

Both products come with Coffin Pro, which is customisable for any lining available on the face of the earth and no less than twelve different styles of lid, including the aforementioned revolving door for the early riser.

All prices are quoted in the attached brochure, which also includes pictures.

We hope our product comes to your satisfaction,
Yrs
CoffinCorp.