Memetheft

[active_apathy]

This one's been nicked from princesslaurene. Everybody wave to her.

[Poll #611208]

Which Five Fictional Characters Would You Punch In The Face?

The aim of this aptly named meme is to give a list of five fictional characters who you'd very much like to punch in the face; we'll take it as a kindness if you get to mentioning why. They'd best not make any undue fuss, otherwise violence will ensue.

1. Gabriel Tam
   (Joss Whedon's Firefly)
   
   There was always going to be a Firefly character on the receiving end of this, but the trick was in picking one. None of the crew really deserve it - except possibly Jayne, who's already been knocked out by River. There's obvious choices - Atherton Wing, Laurence Dobson, Badger, Adelai Niska and Crow all spring to mind, but they need a lot more than just a punch. Lund makes me want to put a new crater in his little moon - but Zoe's whapped him in the face well enough already. Magistrate Higgins could do with a bit of punching, but I'd very much like to see Fess take care of the formalities there.
   
   When it comes to punching, there's one particular target that stands out. A target who wouldn't risk even a dinner party for River. Someone so thoroughly in need of punching that there's a queue all the way around the ruttin' equator of Osiris. A target who makes me add cussing and hurling about of things, as Mal would put it, to my prodigous repertoire.
   
   If ever you find yourself fictionally punching Gabriel Tam, give him an extra one for me.


2. Rincewind
   (Terry Pratchett's Discworld)
   
   Rincewind. Rincewind needs to run afoul of a halfbrick in a sock, or a closed fist should bricks be in short supply. I think the reasons should be fairly obvious; the 流口水的婊子和猴子的笨兒子 is in desperate need of a sound beating.


3. Caramon Majere
   (Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman's Dragonlance Legends)
   
   Caramon Majere in the Chronicles is the kind of character who doesn't irritate you too much. By the time we reach the Legends, he's married Tika Waylan and then gotten himself good and drunk on what might as well be a permanent basis. He feels a lack of self-worth, and that's made worse when he's not needed to save the world or look after Raistlin.
   
   Punching him serves two purposes. One is to tell him to wake up to himself. The other is that he's depressed because Tika has a job and doesn't need him. Maybe a second punch would help.


4. The Architect
   (Garth Nix's Keys to the Kingdom series)
   
   Whatever was she thinking? I just want to know that. Why did she appoint those seven as Trustees? Why didn't she make sure there was an heir before going for a merry trip to somewhere and leaving her Will in those hands? There's answers somewhere, and I want them right this instant otherwise I'll leave her in a room with Holden Caulfield forever.


5. Boromir, Captain of Gondor
   (John Ronald Reuel Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings)
   
   If it is the will of the council, then Gondor will see me take the ring for myself as a weapon bwahahahahahahahahaha... um... I mean... we'll take it to where we can destroy all of Sauron's armies and then the rest of the world and... um... no. Totally not going crazy. Nice, friendly, and lovable, so you needn't worry and he should just give me the ring nownownownownownow. He vanished! OMGWTFFrodocomeback! Oh no! Orcses! I'm dead and I failed to take the ring ring riiiiinnng.
   
   Obviously, his punching needs to come before he gets corpsified. Like, maybe, every time they make him feel more important than Faramir Wenham, who does the right thing and gets his very own Eowyn for his troubles - a relationship that comes with the fact Eowyn can quite ably run him through if he gets all wraithified by a ring of power.

Comments

[laurenmitchell.livejournal.com]

I think this is truly the most meaningful meme that has ever circulated on the Internet.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

It surely is. I also considered YoSaffBridge, Holden Caulfield and Dobson before settling on those five. If I had to pick just one, then it'd still be Gabriel Tam, because, well, grrr. Argh.

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

Heheh. Rincewind always amused me. He doesn't need a punch, he needs to be put out of his misery.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Well, yes. That too. *Cheers Death on*

[one-bullet-left.livejournal.com]

YES! TRUE! SO TRUE ON ALL COUNTS! ('cept I kinda like Boromir, and I've only ever read the Chronicles... I think... it was a long time ago.)

But RINCEWIND! ARRRRRRRRGHHH! *hates* And Gabriel! *snarls* And the Architect... I've often wondered about her.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Chronicles!Caramon isn't nearly as bad, with Raist to look after (except the bit where he takes the black robes, IIRC).

Rincewind. Yes. And Gabriel bad. And the Architect is a wondrous subject to wonder about, not in the least because Garth talks about her without ever saying anything.

[salzara-tirwen.livejournal.com]

Am I the only one here who likes Rincewind? Don't punch me...

[bionic-sheep.livejournal.com]

Rincewind is brilliant!

Although to be honest Nanny Ogg is better. :P

[salzara-tirwen.livejournal.com]

Susan Death Sto Helit is my favorite.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

You're perfectly allowed to like Rincewind (without being punched for it), but I still want to punch him.

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

I like Rincewind! The books he's in are my favourites.

Granted, I've read, like, ten... Death's cool too ^_^ HE GETS TO TALK LIKE THIS.

[salzara-tirwen.livejournal.com]

Only in the silly cheapass newer editions. H (small caps rather than capslock was used in some of the older printings - it looks much better.).

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

BUT THIS IS SIGNIFICANTLY EASIER TO WRITE. NO CODING, YOU SEE.

"...Erm, Death seems to have TAKEN OVER YOUR KEYBOARD? OF COURSE. YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT ME TO HAVE MY OWN CONNECTION, WOULD YOU?

"Well, I kinda did..."

OKAY, OKAY. SO I OWN MICROSOFT. AM I TO BLAME?

"Is there any way I can say yes without dying?"

NO.

"Good to know."

[salzara-tirwen.livejournal.com]

I thought Bel-Shamharoth owned Microsoft...

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

Who?

[salzara-tirwen.livejournal.com]

The Sender of Eight. In either The Color of Magic or The Light Fantastic (I forget which), Rincewind happens upon his temple.

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

*frown* Read both and I don't remember who that is...

[salzara-tirwen.livejournal.com]

The Ichor God. Rather Lovecraftian. He had the temple with the eight-sided everything and Rincewind was trying desperately not to say "eight".

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

Ohh! I remember that now!

It's been years since I've read those books...

[salzara-tirwen.livejournal.com]

Well, go read them again. :-p

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

Yes Mistress.

[salzara-tirwen.livejournal.com]

*cracks whip*

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

And another seven. I think you'll need to do it twice-four times for it to have the full effect.

[salzara-tirwen.livejournal.com]

*pulls out the cat-o-eight-tails*

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

The coding is easy. <span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Text to get the small caps treatment, Yey</span>

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

IT'S TOO MUCH TO REMEMBER. DEATH ONLY HAS SO MUCH SPARE TIME. I MEAN, IF IT ISN'T MASON GETTING HIS REAPS STONED OR ROXY KICKING THEIR ARSES...

OH, WAIT. WRONG SERIES.

[mrpyro.livejournal.com]

Caramon is only really terrible at the beginning of Legends: he gets a lot better later. I'd much rather nominate Tasslehoff, except replacing 'punch' with 'painful ritual sacrifice'.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Not even Takhisis would accept Kender as a sacrifice. Can't we just toss him into the Blood Sea instead?

[salzara-tirwen.livejournal.com]

Drag him next door into the Forgotten Realms universe and make him the kender equivalent of a drider.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, that could be a bit hard since 3e FR suddenly rejects the Planes ever having had anything to do with their special little world. (Which is good. It helps keep those pikin' FR barmies out of my setting of choice.)

...

Wait. Can't we just throw him from Suicide Alley? I'm sure Her Dread Majesty would let us take just one Kender through.

[salzara-tirwen.livejournal.com]

We can just take him there via the Potterverse and no one will know.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

I think I've seen that fanfic it'd be easier to just throw him from Suicide Alley. There's that whole fall down the side of an infinitely tall Spire to be had there.

[mrpyro.livejournal.com]

What do you call a kender at the bottom of the Blood Sea?

A good start.

A couple of friends of mine who do LARPing did once capture and sacrifice an enemy kender character to their gods: for a while their tag-line in game was "Ask us about jobbing kender for fun and profit."

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

"Oooh... that's a pretty altar. Mind if I just... hey! that's a pretty nifty looking sacrificial knife. Mind if I-"

[nyctanessa.livejournal.com]

nooooooooooo. No sacrificing the kender. :(

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Well.. um... you can keep Tas, but you have to wash him and feed him and walk him every day.

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

I like Rincewind *pout* And Boromir... well, he serves his purpose. I still prefer Faramir, though... (Faramir Wenham... *giggles*)

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Faramir's prettier.

I've decided you have to read the Keys to the Kingdom series. And the Old Kingdom trilogy, for Garth Nix is all kinds of brilliance and the fandom is small enough that you needn't panic about there being OMG other people in it and there's a pretty pretty box with the Old Kingdom books in.

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

*groan*

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

You'll like it! And you may even wonder how that Rowling upstart ever got to be famous.