Titles are the work of the <lj-DEVIL>!

[active_apathy]

First thing first, the ad for Doctor Who with its mention of reality TV (yes, we here in Australia are horridly behind) gave me this mental image of a kind of Dalek Big Brother.

YOU ARE A HOUSEMATE! YOU MUST NOM-IN-ATE! NOM-IN-ATE! NO-MIN-ATE! EEE-VICT! EEE-VICT!

And now that that madness has passed, today's entry is mostly about something I've noticed. People seem to, in some ways, know me. At this point, you're probably thinking something like "that's odd because?" It's an interesting experience to have people be able to just say "Hey! You! You did this, and that, and I think that other thing, and I loved the ten things you can't do thingy!"

At this point, I should mention that I don't have much to respond to this with. There's always options like "And it's... um... you! With the head! And the... um... the eyes! And you... um... commented." It's an unusually awkward kind of thing, and makes me wonder how people who are really, genuinely famous would deal with it (beyond going to bonkers and retiring to high-walled mansions, I suppose). It may even be worse for them, since they tend to have bits like 'about the author' pages while my userinfo's still the blankest of canvases. This post was supposed to help fix it, and I may just get around to doing all that shortly-ish.

So, I put to you a question: What do you do when random folk seem to know all about you?

Comments

[palmer-kun.livejournal.com]

Ask a thoughtful question, get a thoughtful answer :p

My shyness isn't like most people. In most cases, it's something like a hill that they gradually overcome, working up to being more comfortable with people.

In my case, it's a wall with a door in it. My shyness is rooted in insecurity and worries that my presence/attention is not welcome or is bothering people. Once someone has accepted me and indicated my presence/attention is welcome... then my shyness pretty well completely vanishes. I open the door and step through, and my shyness (the wall) is completely behind me. Rather binary in nature really.

But I truly am shy. I've been thinking about friending you since before you met fireyfox. Yeah, that long and I finally got the nerve to just go ahead and do it.
And then spent the next week holding my breath and worrying that I would annoy you or somesuch.

Why do you type so much more than you post?

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

That makes a lot of sense, since the first I've ever really seen of you was in that thread of puns in fireyfox's journal - where, presumably, you felt comfortable and un-shy.

And, for the record, I'm immensely difficult to annoy.

I type more than I post because I read back over things before posting. I'll recast sentences, reorder thoughts, edit, rewrite, excise, add and tweak. Or I'll just close the tab, and come back to comment later. I'm not half as brilliant as people think; I just filter well.

[palmer-kun.livejournal.com]

Yeah... her LJ is somewhere I'm welcome, so I'm more open there, as I am on communities. Communities and group settings like that are a different case, really. In a group setting, I default to being "in" the group (duh) and thus I am inherently welcome, until hounded out otherwise. It's the one-to-one thing that gets me.

A: I did not know that before now. so I was careful and scared.
B: Perhaps, but I've nonetheless managed to piss off many people who have made that claim before, so I'm still careful and scared anyways.

You're not half as brilliant as people think, no. You're even more brilliant. The fact you think things through instead of just blurting out whatever comes to mind (like I do in all my ADD glory) shows an exceptional level of intelligence and sophistication.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

That's understandable, though - if you can join a community, then you're implicitly welcome to be there. Public entries in other people's journals are a bit hazy, so I think I can see where you're coming from.

I imagine I could tell you that you shouldn't be scared, but it wouldn't do much except possibly be more scary. So I won't.

[palmer-kun.livejournal.com]

The internet makes these things easier in general, since even if I am bugging someone it's easy for them to leave and avoid me. But the group thing applies a lot in person. In the last class I took, I was (informally) voted Most Outgoing. When I told people they were smoking crack, and that I was incredibly shy, reactions ranged from "really?" to "bullshit".

It's just that in a group class, I'm "in" to begin with, at least for group related things. On break time, I tend to sit off by myself while everyone else socializes (because I'm "in" for the group aspect, but not "in" outside of that context), at least until I get over my shyness in that regard as well.

Mostly it's a pain. It also gives me near-paralyzing telephone phobia. Simple business-type calls (order pizza, call agency for work, etc) is easy because of the same thing... I'm expected/welcome/"in" for that context. But if it's a random (not expected by the other party) personal call, or cold calling... I'm hopeless. I can literally sit there and stare at the phone for hours before I'm able to pick it up... sometimes. So yeah, a pain. Especially when job hunting, as the phobia kicks in about making "follow-up calls" (as they're basically cold calls). Recieving calls and talking to people who want to talk to me is fine though.

Telling me to not be scared DOES help... but it takes the gut time to catch up with the mind. Part of the problem is that you're an exceptionally intelligent and cool person, and I automatically find that intimidating (as well as absolutely irresistable - I'm messed in the head). But I'll get over my hindbrain eventually.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Now you've got me all curious - which, I hasten to add, is fun.

Do you feel a bit odd about posting the first reply or comment in a thread, and wait for someone else to say something? In a fuzzier context, are there any set criteria that make you feel 'in'? Does continuing with this comment thread help you to feel more welcome, by keeping up a dialogue - or is it different for the next entry, and then the next, until you eventually feel comfortable? Do other people in personal journals scare you some, or do you comment as more of a personal dialogue with the journal's owner? Is this far too many questions for one paragraph?

[palmer-kun.livejournal.com]

Curious is fine. One thing about me that's helpful to know - I am an open book and live an open life. Anything you may wonder about me, just ask. There is no question "too personal" or "prying" or even "rude" really. If you're curious enough to know, I'm willing to answer. No need to reassure me that your curiosity is fun, or to offer other warnings not to be scared of you and your madcap antics. I've decided I like you, and that includes accepting that you may be scary at times (most likely through no fault of your own) and that's fine. I'm all about taking the good with the bad.

That being said, I'm really not sure how to answer all these questions.
Set criteria? Nothing I could define hard and fast. Generally, for group settings, I either need to belong in the group via some means (member of a club, student in a class, recieved an invite, etc), or a decent (vague) number of members of a group (social for instance) must be visibly and unmistakably inviting and welcoming of my presence. For individuals, it's generally the same - they need to clearly indicate that my presence, attentoion, babbling and such are welcome (not merely tolerated).
The specifics always vary. In your case, it was continuing in extended discussion with me and most of all the eventual friending back.

It's not so much about my feeling of comfort, as my knowledge that the other party is comfortable with my presence et al. I know that a lot of people dislike me for various reasons, and my conscience hates the idea that I might be seriously making someone uncomfortable by hanging around them and talking to them. So until they make it clear I'm welcome I'm very nervous and circumspect.

Other people in personal journals are a non-issue. The personal dialogue concept pretty much sums it up for me. If someone else wants to turn up and drop a comment, that's fine because they came to me, which makes my presence (at least for the time) automatically welcome.

Ask as much as you want, no such thing as too much.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

That wasn't reassurance - I just felt like explaining a bit about me. I like curiosity. I think there should be more of it.

The idea of knowing that your presence is welcome is interesting. Does this mean that a perception of welcomness is as flimsy and scary as ever, until - explicitly or implicitly - it's made obvious that you are welcome?

[palmer-kun.livejournal.com]

It seems we are in agreement about curiosity then. This is delightful to know.

Exactly. A mere perception is flimsy and scary, because it's uncertain. Having my presence merely tolerated is as bad as being outright unwelcome... worse in some ways, because I'm annoying/bothering them MORE than if I was just told to stop and go away.
Without some kind of confirmation, I have no way of really knowing if I'm welcome or just tolerated, and it's an uncomfortable thing. After a while, I tend to snap and just come out with "Am I bothering you? Do you want me to go away?"

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Entirely and absolutely.

And I don't tolerate you. That may be because you're welcome here.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[palmer-kun.livejournal.com]

*grins* Thank you milady.

*bows so deep he falls over and smacks his nose*

Ow...

I was pretty sure by now... it was friending me back that basically confirmed it for me, since you had taken your time in doing so. I figured if you didn't like me, you wouldn't have done that after waiting so long.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Even pretty sure is less than certain.

And no smacking your nose on the Internet. It makef people type thingf fuddy.

[palmer-kun.livejournal.com]

I've learned to live without absolute certainty in my life, especially in regards to interpersonal relationships.

All too often I've been assured of something being "absolutely certain" only to have it turn out to be anything but, and ultimately get burned by it.

If it was my nose that got smacked, why are you typing funny?

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

It comes with my powers of typing; I'm not Anne Rice, either.

[palmer-kun.livejournal.com]

If you were Anne Rice, you wouldn't be on my friends list, you'd be on my Mock List.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Oh, good. I do approve of mocking, but I don't think you need to be told that.

[palmer-kun.livejournal.com]

Considering you're one of my mocking idols, no. I don't think so.