Conversation: an excerpt.

[active_apathy]

The following is a dramatisation. Any similarity to persons living or dead isn't entirely coincidental. Events occur in real time. These are their stories.



Phone: *rings*
Conversation: *happens*
Spider: *appears*
Me: *sees spider mid-sentence* ...it's more that-JESUS CHRIST IT'S A SPIDER GET IN THE CAR!
Mother: What?
Me: SPIDER. BIG. ON WALL.
Mother: What kind of spider?
Me: BIG.
Mother: How big?
Me: It'd be impolite to ask. And suicide to measure, unless it's a trigonometry problem.

"You are standing seven metres away from a spider, the legspan of which subtends 1.5 degrees. How big is the spider? How far away should you run? Assuming that nothing can go faster than the speed of light, what is the optimal speed to escape at?

All questions have equal value. Attempt all questions. Show all working."

Mother: Have you given it a name?
Me: A NAME‽ WHY WOULD I WANT TO GIVE IT A NAME‽
Mother: You-
Me: UNLESS I NEED A NAME TO SERVE IT AN EVICTION NOTICE!
Mother: -could-
Me: AND THEN IT'D PROBABLY JUST LAUGH AND TEAR IT UP ANYWAY!
Mother: -call-
Me: IT'LL DECIDE TO JUST MOVE IN FOREVER AND BRING ALL ITS GIANT SPIDER FRIENDS HOME AT ALL HOURS!
Mother: -it-
Me: AND IT'LL TAKE MY FOOD AND NOT PAY ITS RENT AND NEVER CLEAN UP AFTER ITSELF! NO! NO NAME FOR IT! THERE WILL BE NO NAMING! NO CAN HAS NAME! IT AIN'T GOT NO NAME! IT DON'T NEED NO NAME! I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE IT NO STINKING NAME!
Mother: -Atlas.

[a beat]

Me: Atlas?
Mother: Because it could-
Me: Have a detailed world map drawn on it? For all those times I wish Google Earth had fangs and legs and creepy little eyes?
Mother: Because it could hold the world up.
Me: YES. WITH SEVEN GUNS. AND IT'D STILL HAVE A LEG FREE FOR THE CANVAS BAG.
Mother: ...it wouldn't be able to walk.
Me: It wouldn't have to! It'd just sit there and say "FETCH ME YOUR VALUABLES, BIPEDS, OR I SHALL NOM UPON YOUR FLESH!"
Mother: What?
Me: And you'd try to keep something, but it'd know, and it'd just say "OM NOM NOM".
Mother: ...you need help.
Me: YES. SPIDER-REMOVING HELP.

Comments

[lilacsigil.livejournal.com]

If I lived near you (which I suspect I don't) I would come to save you from the spider, and the spider from you. I have never dealt with a spider bigger than the palm of my hand, but I'd give it a try! I have managed to convince my co-workers that they'll all get dengue and malaria and flystrike if they kill spiders, but sometimes they do it anyway.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

I don't believe I have anything that can kill it -- so, I'll probably just be putting all my worldly possessions into the canvas bag.

[lilacsigil.livejournal.com]

Evicted by an arachnid!