Conversation: an excerpt.

[active_apathy]

The following is a dramatisation. Any similarity to persons living or dead isn't entirely coincidental. Events occur in real time. These are their stories.



Phone: *rings*
Conversation: *happens*
Spider: *appears*
Me: *sees spider mid-sentence* ...it's more that-JESUS CHRIST IT'S A SPIDER GET IN THE CAR!
Mother: What?
Me: SPIDER. BIG. ON WALL.
Mother: What kind of spider?
Me: BIG.
Mother: How big?
Me: It'd be impolite to ask. And suicide to measure, unless it's a trigonometry problem.

"You are standing seven metres away from a spider, the legspan of which subtends 1.5 degrees. How big is the spider? How far away should you run? Assuming that nothing can go faster than the speed of light, what is the optimal speed to escape at?

All questions have equal value. Attempt all questions. Show all working."

Mother: Have you given it a name?
Me: A NAME‽ WHY WOULD I WANT TO GIVE IT A NAME‽
Mother: You-
Me: UNLESS I NEED A NAME TO SERVE IT AN EVICTION NOTICE!
Mother: -could-
Me: AND THEN IT'D PROBABLY JUST LAUGH AND TEAR IT UP ANYWAY!
Mother: -call-
Me: IT'LL DECIDE TO JUST MOVE IN FOREVER AND BRING ALL ITS GIANT SPIDER FRIENDS HOME AT ALL HOURS!
Mother: -it-
Me: AND IT'LL TAKE MY FOOD AND NOT PAY ITS RENT AND NEVER CLEAN UP AFTER ITSELF! NO! NO NAME FOR IT! THERE WILL BE NO NAMING! NO CAN HAS NAME! IT AIN'T GOT NO NAME! IT DON'T NEED NO NAME! I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE IT NO STINKING NAME!
Mother: -Atlas.

[a beat]

Me: Atlas?
Mother: Because it could-
Me: Have a detailed world map drawn on it? For all those times I wish Google Earth had fangs and legs and creepy little eyes?
Mother: Because it could hold the world up.
Me: YES. WITH SEVEN GUNS. AND IT'D STILL HAVE A LEG FREE FOR THE CANVAS BAG.
Mother: ...it wouldn't be able to walk.
Me: It wouldn't have to! It'd just sit there and say "FETCH ME YOUR VALUABLES, BIPEDS, OR I SHALL NOM UPON YOUR FLESH!"
Mother: What?
Me: And you'd try to keep something, but it'd know, and it'd just say "OM NOM NOM".
Mother: ...you need help.
Me: YES. SPIDER-REMOVING HELP.

Comments

[crackedwraith.livejournal.com]

I see your brain becomes similar to mine in the presence of an arachnid. Except only half of those sentences would be legible, were it me.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

That, um, may be part of the dramatisation thing.

[epiphany-gun.livejournal.com]

I'd say there's a good chance you don't like spiders, huh?

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Not little spiders, not big spiders, not medium-sized spiders. In short: not at all. Spiders = bad.

[palmer-kun.livejournal.com]

Were you round these parts, I'd call you a pussy.

However, you live in Australia, Land of Poison and Flame (as one friend puts it, regularly... she loves Australia) where everything that moves is liable to kill you.

Ergo, fear completely justified.

[mama-terra.livejournal.com]

I thought things that couldn't move could kill you too? Like trees suddenly bursting into flame or falling on your head?

That said, the only spider I can deal with is in my icon.

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

Yep! A few species of eucalyptus are known as 'widow-maker' trees, as they're known for spontaneously dropping heavy limbs. And given that they basically exude highly, HIGHLY flammable oil, and on hot days, they can explode.

Eucalypts are fucking hardcore. Many germinate only with fire, so they germinate ones going overseas in POTTERY KILNS. Australia = badass.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Pretty much. We don't need iocaine powder.

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

We are in complete agreement about this. *nods wisely*

[leila82.livejournal.com]

eeeeek spider! D:

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

eeeeek indeed!

[lilacsigil.livejournal.com]

If I lived near you (which I suspect I don't) I would come to save you from the spider, and the spider from you. I have never dealt with a spider bigger than the palm of my hand, but I'd give it a try! I have managed to convince my co-workers that they'll all get dengue and malaria and flystrike if they kill spiders, but sometimes they do it anyway.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

I don't believe I have anything that can kill it -- so, I'll probably just be putting all my worldly possessions into the canvas bag.

[lilacsigil.livejournal.com]

Evicted by an arachnid!

[stagemanager.livejournal.com]

Exactly, how big are we talking, here?

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Clock Spider? :)

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

See, I wouldn't have bothered with the conversation. I'd be on the other side of the planet by now. "LEMME IN SAN FRANCISCO THERE'S AN S-WORD D:"

...Yes, I'm metaquoting this.

ETA: Tada.

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

...one hundred and one comments. Your inbox must love MQ. :D

Also, it amuses me that you used the llama icon.

[ryttu3k.livejournal.com]

I ALWAYS use the llama icon for Metaquotes XD

And nuh uh, I learnt! I turned comment notifications OFF ^_~

[shrewreader.livejournal.com]

I must inform you that your dramatization has produced a Sudden Arboreal Stop in my house. You will be in receipt of three cats, one each of a sheepdog, Nova Scotia duck-tolling retriever, miniature pinscher, and your Leo MacGarry in the next mail.

Thank you for your cooperation.

*GLEEE!!!!*

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

...your house cycled into a large cypress tree? Sadly, I doubt I can provide enough Savile Row attire to properly care for a Leo McGarry.

[wrestlingdog.livejournal.com]

West Wing FTW!

Here from MQ.

[paradisacorbasi.livejournal.com]

I completely relate to this post.

Spiders (and other critters in possession of more legs than a dog, a cat, or Tundro the Tremendous) freak me out.

I have been known to run screaming from them.

[wrestlingdog.livejournal.com]

Here from metaquotes, and I found this hilarious. Come to think of it, I've found most of your metaquoted entries hilarious. Is it okay if I cut out the middleman and friend you?

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

Sure; just, first, let me close this gate while we can still kind of hear the hoofbeats. :D

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

Once again you bring the ROFL. Augh spiders :P do not want.

[saikogrrl.livejournal.com]

Eeew spidee.

Also lolol

[talking-natural.livejournal.com]

Here from MQ. While I feel your pain I can't help but laugh.

[kythsharrie.livejournal.com]

I'm here from Metaquote.

*ahem*

*dies laughing*

Actually, I share your intense fear of spiders. More than once, when I've come across one, I'd kind of squeak, shriek for my roomie and say something along the lines of "there'safrikkin'spidergokillthemNOW!"

My roomie, on the other hand, has no fear of spiders and thinks my fear is absurdly funny. And cute. I do not understand this. And when they start to lecture me on how the spiders are our friends and kill all sorts of insects, I'd level a look on them and say the spiders can do that just fine outside--just not inside the house!

[blacknblue2.livejournal.com]

Just jumping in to say Icon! ICON!!! YAY, Linsner!!!!

[kitsunefury.livejournal.com]

I smell an Emmy Award on the way. :D

[kitsunefury.livejournal.com]

Also spiders are awesome. I love em.

Kill it! Kill it before it reaches the children!

[revolos55.livejournal.com]

Hi-larious. Made me think of this comic.



And this icon by dreame_weaver

[pixel39.livejournal.com]

Also here from MQ and I too share your opinion of family Arachnidae at least while they're inside the house. Also, your posts make me snort tea--may I friend you?

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

You may!

[psychodrake.livejournal.com]

Spiders I can handle. I like spiders. I'll take your dinner-plate-sized spiders. I don't mind spiders. What I really hate are roaches.
Does my house have spiders? No. Oh, no. My house has roaches. In abundance. And our arthropods could sumo-wrestle each other, and I'm not entirely sure who would win, because these roaches are better classified as small lobsters.
I know exactly how you feel. Except, take heart - If you must resort to drastic measures for the sake of sanity and detonate a small thermonuclear warhead in your kitchen, at least your pests will die.