[Tales By Request] (Untitled)

[active_apathy]

Requested By: caprinus
Prompt: Objects

• Jayne-sized silver-lamé pants
• A brown bear, mounted by an incompetent taxidermist
• A bear's gall bladder

Fandom: Firefly
Length: 583 words
Warning: Involves Jayne's imagination, and his man-parts. Read at your own risk.
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"Nee ta ma duh tyen-shia suo-yo duh run doh gai si. This is the gorramn cargo?" Captain Reynolds waved frantically at the... the thing standing in the middle of the hold. Jobs had been hard to come by, ever since the Alliance took out everyone ever to help the crew. Made a hell of a mess of things.

The disreputable man looked it over. "It is. Finest workmanship I ever did see. It'd fetch... you can't imagine what it's worth." It didn't seem like anyone would imagine it was worth much, and it was a damned troubling sight. Happily, it wasn't more than a day to its destination on Greenleaf.

They'd be happier rid of it. The cargo, if it could be called that, was the ugliest damned attempt ever made to stuff a brown bear which had, by all indications, passed away as the result of a massive and severe heart attack and just frozen in that horrid pose. To make matters worse, the thing was dressed in silver-lamé tights. Tight tights.

"Fine," answered the captain. "I'll be all the happier bein' rid of it. Now get off my boat."

Soon after he'd left, they were out in the Black. River was a prodigious little pilot; she'd probably been sneaking bits and pieces from Wash when he wasn't paying attention. Or, maybe, when he was.

Dinner came at the normal time, though Jayne was unusual late. Happened some, now the Shepherd wasn't around for his workouts. There was a crashing noise from below decks, and then Jayne came up into the galley.

Wearing the silver-lamé tights. The damned things fit him perfectly, 'cept for that they showed off his man-parts something terrible. The captain stood and stared... then tackled Jayne to the floor. "Doc! Get the pants off him!"

"Umm... I... uh... do you really want to see-"

"Get his ruttin' pants off him!" shouted the captain, cutting him off mid-stammer.

The doc grabbed the tights, and pulled them off. "Not much there," said River, leaning back to watch.

Simon passed the tights to the captain, who ran with them down to the cargo bay to see the bear, lying sprawled on the ground and still suffering its heart attack. A brown pouch lay on the floor beside it.

"Ta ma duh," said the captain. "Do stuffed bears usual-like have droppin's?" he asked, as he picked it up and opened it to reveal seven richly-coloured yellow diamonds; the kind that's worth more than most of them had ever seen. Obviously, they'd been hidden in the bear; Mal remembered seeing it in some mostly-forgotten Earth-that-Was cop show once. "Doc, get that pouch put back away so we can put these pants on."

Simon took the pouch, and looked at the hole in the bear. "Must've been where the gall bladder would go. I think I can-"

Story ends there. Ain't much to follow that, seein' as how Zoe wakes up when she lands on the floor. And then she's been feelin' gorramn lonely since Wash-

"JAAAAYYYYNE!" shouted Mal, through the floor. Time was wasting, and he'd managed to sleep in again. "You on this job or what?!"

"Yoo ruint muh dreemsh," shouted a half-awake Jayne. "Zoe wa jusht 'bout-"

"To come down there and shoot you if you don't get out of your gorramn bed!" Mal wasn't in the mood for an argument. Badger never really dealt on the level, and he needed backup that was alert. And maybe awake, too.

Comments

[caprinus.livejournal.com]

Ha ha, wonderful thanks.

I'm thinking of an adventure arc for the RPG involving Traditional Chinese Medicine smuggling, that's where the bear came from, but I don't know why the silver pants popped into my head. Or maybe I do, but it's a super seekrit! Good luck with this stunt-writing project :)

[active-apathy.livejournal.com]

This was, in case I haven't mentioned it, the most disturbing thing I've ever had to write about.

Please don't take that as a challenge. :)

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

LOL. _{no srsly there is nothing but LOL.}