kittydesade: (irksome)

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Jul. 27th, 2017 12:04 am[personal profile] kittydesade
I don't want to go to capoeira or finish the day out at work I just want to go home and die in a ball under the covers, can I do that?

(Capoeira would probably actually be really good for me, what with the kicking and punching, but people and politics are making me so goddamn tired today. I called my Senators for the second day in a row! I never do that two days in a row! But it's been so fucking hideous lately that I did it anyway!)

Basically instead of a leisurely or even a steady but doable day at work it was endless phone calls, orders with complications, technology not working, camps staffed by people who needed help with the dye products, and other fiddly things that required my attention. And any one of these things is fine! Or two or even three, sequentially, but not concurrently for a full eight hours argh. Especially the only printer my computer was hooked up to not working. This is not helping me do anything.

I did at least manage to get about 2/3 of the day's Starlight writing written though. And I finished the summaries for Patreon and did a post draft. Put in some notes for a blog post to come. Got a buttload of day jobligations done, heh. It wasn't that bad a day. It was just very chaotic and oh my god but the kicking people in the face, or rather the not thinking about anything and just doing physical drills over and over for a couple hours, and then practicing physical routines? So theraputic for that kind of head-spinny thinky-busy day.

I had a tall glass of cider okay don't judge my lack of proper words.
kittydesade: (courtesan in training)

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Jul. 25th, 2017 10:24 am[personal profile] kittydesade
Well there might have been a more thoughtful entry here but then the GOP basically rammed their ridiculous bills another notch through and now all I can do is scream.

(This is kind of a lie but at the time I'm doing this entry so I don't forget to do it entirely that's about 75% true.)

Better things. I picked up my copy of Buried Heart which I'm looking forward to, the third in the Court of Fives trilogy by Kate Elliott and my reward for getting my writing done today. I've got about an hour left of work so if I want to get it done before I get home/the allocated writing hour so I can have the writing hour to read in I'd better hustle my butt. But I'm looking forward to it, and that's nice.

I got my writing for yesterday done, mostly got things back on track to the synopsis, not that they'd wandered very far off to begin with. But I got back on track and got writing, wrote the requisite amount of words to get done on time which although higher than it was before my head exploded over things, is still manageable. And hopefully it will continue to be manageable until it's done, or at least until Camp Nano is done by which point I should have written enough in Starlight to let sheer momentum and goddamn you will you be over already finish it off.

I started a Patreon! Um. Go me? I don't know, I hit 'launch' and then all hell broke loose in Congress and on Twitter so I haven't really promoted it yet. I tweeted about it but I doubt anyone was listening. Now I just have to remember to, okay, no, I don't have to remember. Now I just have to feel able to and entitled to tweet about it more often. Heh.

Iiiiii what do I need to do. I need to finish my summaries of my various verses and probably make that my first Patreon post, a link to that PDF, and then ... something. Start dithering. And picking out things for people to vote on for my next month's shorter project.

I did make an appointment with the lawyer! So now that can get finished up and done, and I can start working on cover art or whatever for Malachy. Not that anything was stopping me before so I don't know why I phrased it like that, but that's how it felt. And after that and Starlight are done come Nerd Girls and Long Road, which ahahaha that'll be interesting. I already have ideas for how to fix Long Road sort of, maybe this time it'll stay fixed. Nerd Girls... I have no idea. That'll be a re-read on top of all the other re-reads I have. What fun.

Basically at this point I'm down to hiding in the fiction I write and, slightly less, fiction to consume so I don't have to deal with politics right now. But at least as a coping mechanism it's working.
kittydesade: by <user name="nope"> (novel idea)

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Jul. 24th, 2017 01:33 pm[personal profile] kittydesade
Okay, so not only did I completely fuck up and not get to see Deutschkind and capoeira over the weekend because yes, I did get done early with my hair appointment but it was almost 90 degrees and I got overheated and winded just walking through all the tourists to the store, ugh...

... after I got home from running errands and we all were flat for most of the day, one of the damn cats (Maggie) got out and was lost for a good 24 hours before we found her again hiding in the bushes next to the house. With the fucking poison oak. So I got to retrieve her and then we all showered just in case and I get to do the washing up because still not allergic and now I'm really really behind on Starlight and haven't gotten anything done YAY.

Not yay at all.

Plus side I suppose is that writing it seems to be going smoothly anyway. I wrote 650 words in fifteen minutes, didn't get a dedicated fifteen minute period after that but did manage to get over 3k words in the workday so that was good. I can get home and work on Patreon summaries all night, and maybe some other stuff. Or maybe I finally re-integrate languages, which would be nice. Re-integrate languages, do a lot of reading and re-reading. Including some re-reading of old writing, heh. I'm still a little afraid to find out what I wrote all those years ago. But I didn't get it done over the weekend so.

And I had the brilliant idea of getting Thor to dress up as a Totoro for Halloween and fly around on a spinny top and now my drawing skills are inadequate to this proposition goddammit.

Guh. So nice to have things back to normal after the weekend. And to be progressing in ways of beauty (got my hair cut!) and brilliance (writing progress!) and so on. And with a relatively short recovery time, although ... something. It wasn't that long of a period of being worried out of my head?

Anyway. Okay. Patreon, writing, figuring all this crap out. Setting up my Patreon, which I think will only need to involve me finishing my summaries at least to get it set up tomorrow. Then I can worry about finding a place to put a poll. Or a site to host a poll at, or something.
kittydesade: Insect wings that could be from fairies, too, with dew and the edges of pink-purple flower petals. (faery wings)

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Jul. 21st, 2017 10:12 am[personal profile] kittydesade
Well not only did I end up staying up a bit too late last night (for a night of capoeira class) I woke up at least twice in the middle of the night and didn't end up getting out of bed till 7.30. (For those keeping score at home I usually wake up around 6.30 and faff about on the phone doing language crap and silly games and get up at 7, shower and start the day). And then the boy somehow managed to lose Bat Cat TWICE, I got him back the first time and the boy lost him and got him back from the utility room in about five minutes the second time, and figured out that Bat Cat seems to think Scurry Out Of The House Proper Between The Human's Legs is a fun game. He won't actually go anywhere, he just likes to freak us out.

SIGH. Sigh everything, basically.

I got the tier levels for Patreon mostly sorted out, I got some bio stuff up there, I think the next step is to figure out the coding for the polls and Tuckerization and then

(then I forgot to finish and post this because of Chester Bennington's suicide throwing me entirely off my stride and sending me to the couch of despair and ennui for the rest of the night.)

But I did manage to wake up on time and get through the morning stuff, including doing a bunch of exercises which I haven't done in a couple of days. Though to be entirely fair Wednesday's lack of morning exercise is always because I go to capoeira class in the evening.

Having one of those days where apparently I can't say anything on Twitter without it turning into Discourse, usually involving some form of "you're wrong and this made me angry that you're wrong" so instead I ended up staying off Twitter and going through some old writing, and writing a bunch of summaries of my various worlds for Patreon. And then remembering that I'd written this thing and that thing and finding this other thing in my documents folder that I'd forgotten. And getting utterly distracted by everything.

(Note to self: this weekend you are rereading Pen Bryton and the Storms bits and the "what the shit is this?" thing to familiarize yourself, not to edit it and redo it for posting and publishing all at once.)

Blergh. I have a hair appointment, which because I'm a socially anxious idiot I forgot to say "no I can't do this at 10 I have a class" so instead of doing capoeira tomorrow I will be getting my hairs cut and then running several blocks to capoeira, so this is going to be interesting. I would skip but Deutschkind is going to be there and I haven't seen her in ages and if nothing else I can catch the last 30 or so and play games and sing songs and be ridiculous with my capoeira peeps. And then apparently there will be endless errands after.

I'm in a weird headplace such that I feel scattered because I did that stupid scheduling thing, but I have a plan to deal with it, other things are moving forward, and I'm keeping up with my writing and to some extent my languages so I don't feel entirely behind? Or out of control of things. But. I don't know, it's all very weird. I guess I'll take it though. It's not bad, just a bit left of center. Also my Patreon is almost ready and a lot less nerve-wracking to get through if it's going to be monthly, stupid Patreon and your weird inability to get a coherent explanation of how per-creation setup works. You couldn't just have it be like a Kickstarter and then when you've delivered all the tier rewards it wipes it all down and you can start another one? Ugh.
kittydesade: a bright red queen chess piece at the head of a diagonal line of white pawns on a white background (red queen running)

(no subject)

Jul. 19th, 2017 12:27 pm[personal profile] kittydesade
Well yesterday was a day of saying up too late the night before and then everything and its sibling happened at work and then I got home and ordered fucking pizza because fuck everything I did not have the energy to do dinner. I didn't even have the energy to do the day's writing. Or study languages or much of anything. Feh.

Today, okay, I still stayed up too late the night before playing silly games on my phone but I managed to get out the door intact and with my capoeira clothes, work is slower, writing is happening, and I might even get my Patreon up by the end of the week. I adjusted it back down to monthly and am working on reshaping the goals because if I'm describing myself as trying to replace income, that makes more sense than having it be per-creation. Also Patreon is absolute shite at explaining how per-creation works, and possibly shite at making per-creation work without charging people either more or less than they should be charged. Oy.

So, monthly it is. Which means figuring out what my expectations of myself are going to be and how to articulate it to my audience and so on. Possibly also figuring out how PHP and maybe a couple other languages work because I'll want to put in input forms on my website at some point. That's going to be fun.

Starlight, despite yesterday's exhausting clusterfuck of a day, is still continuing apace. [redacted] happened and there was much frenzied discussion of books and it looks like that's going to go smoothly up to the point where someone else has to decide that this is a worthy thing to happen, but I'm used to that. Thanks years of submitting novels and so on. I think I mentioned that I went to the second stage of PandaMoon submission slush pile, but in case I didn't, yes, I went to the second stage, word-vomited up some answers to some very silly questions, was complimented for my thoroughness, and now that's being read. I'm actually really pleased with Turing Shrugged so while I'm fairly uncaring whether it gets accepted or not, I'm... hm. What's the right description here? I give no fucks for pro publishing or self publishing but I'm proud to have submitted the best version of it that I had? Something like that. And pleased to be read and hope they like it but if they don't, reasonably sure it's because it's just not their cuppa rather than because I wrote a shitty novel. There's satisfaction in that.

Also I think Starlight will actually be finished, in a draft, by the end of the year because somehow I've gotten a lot better and a lot faster and more efficient at writing second drafts. Go figure. Hopefully a lot more efficient and faster at writing when I have an idea of the overall structure in general but that doesn't necessarily translate; an outline is a lot different than a first draft and it might take several tries to figure out where the fuck the story is supposed to go. Not there! Not there. Not there.

I actually feel okay about going to capoeira tonight. This may make the second night in a row considering I skipped Saturday because oh dear god between headache and all argh. What is this madness???
kittydesade: (what about eternity)

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Jul. 17th, 2017 10:57 am[personal profile] kittydesade
Well that was a shitty weekend. Apart from waking up with a headache Saturday morning I also woke up to find out that the bassist from TSO East I've been seeing at their concerts for the last umpteen years (since 2006 I think?) died in a Final Destination style freak accident wreck. And I've been going to Trans-Siberian Orchestra since at least 2002, was seeing Savatage before that. And Paul O'Neill died earlier this year. And I spent all of Saturday crying off and on, I still don't know what to do with this. He was a year older than me, which is both normal and scary, normal ish for musicians and scary because a year older than me, but also incredibly sad because he would have had another thirty years of touring and playing in him. At least. And it was a ridiculous accident, absurd, they were pulled over to the side of the road to fix a flat and a fucking semi-trailer plowed right into them. Apparently they barely got other members out of the bus before it caught fire, if that isn't horrific enough yay my nightmares. I don't know what to do with this. He had the most incredible energy on the stage, always being silly and making faces and mugging for the audience and energetic, playful body language and he was always smiling in the autograph line afterwards and my brain hasn't caught up to the fact that he won't be there this year.

SO THAT WAS FUN. I didn't go to capoeira. I spent most of the weekend huddled on the couch watching animated movies and NCIS and happily vacationing in the land of not coping.

Everything still feels sleepy and weird but I at least did get a bunch of work things done and almost all the writing done yesterday to get up to par. So that's good. I watched Lilo and Stitch for the first time, yes, I know, and really enjoyed that and cried at the this is my family part like everyone else (I imagine) and then watched Kubo and the Two Strings and cried at the ending part about stories and memories (because it hit home pretty hard) and spent most of Saturday crying off and on and most of Sunday feeling tired and crying less.

Turing Shrugged is still in the running for the one small press publisher, and I don't know how I feel about that. I still haven't heard back from the one lawyer despite sending two emails so lots of swearing, fuck that, I think I'm giving him till the end of the week and then writing him off. Um. So Malachy's on hold there, I'm working on Starlight still. That might even be done by the end of the month. I need to do Patreon shit but my focus was shot all weekend for it. I need to update my website with my blog, that might happen towards the end of today's work day. As far as general stuff goes I'm doing surprisingly well for having had a hit to the psyche over the weekend. I'm just tired and sad and erratic and having feelings and anxieties all over the place still. Somewhat. We'll see.

I need to start reading again. That might help. Reading fiction, not nonfiction, as much cool nonfiction as I've been reading lately. And I need to stop thinking about David Z but that's not going to happen anytime in the next 24.
kittydesade: (eh?)

(no subject)

Jul. 14th, 2017 10:26 am[personal profile] kittydesade
I am too goddamn exhausted for anything today and somehow I have made two phone calls and sent one email because the phone call didn't work out and did some work stuff and now I have more work stuff and one more phone call to make maybe and I am so goddamn tired.

I am so tired that the brainweasels aren't even having much of an effect. I can't react to the fear of oh god I'm a hack (thank you SO MUCH professional writer with six figure contract assholes) because I'm too goddamn tired and it's just not interesting or hooked in enough. Whatever. The weasels can come back after I've had a nap and maybe an eclair or a hamburger and we'll see how responsive I am to their prodding then.

A little surprised that even in my messed up in the brainpan and sleepy state I'm sort of keeping track of everything. Sort of. I managed to fix some stuff on my web page last night, still apparently have one thing to do according to my Habitica list but whatever. And then I do have to figure out Patreon text somehow, along with outlines for the stories I'm going to write for them and then work that into my workload. Which still feels surprisingly manageable given that I'm working on Starlight and it's actually on schedule to be second drafted by the end of the month.

(If anyone has any opinions I figured out that actually my first Patreon shouldn't be one of the current novels in almost final drafts [bar copyedits and approval by editrix] but rather a set of short stories or novellas in my different universes as sort of an introduction. Only now I have to figure out how to do that and who else is doing short fiction so I have some examples.)

Buuuuut. But the work computer is going nicely, the keyboard is taking some getting used to and I think it might be mechanical? Or just really fucking loud. And capoeira is going well even if it is still just the three of us and I need to weed my damn garden still and get better about tending to that and the lawyer needs to goddamn contact me back but other than that! Life is mostly these days minor annoyances and overall the essential functions are going smooth, well, sometimes amazing. But oh my god I am so fucking sleepy right now.
kittydesade: (priestess)

(no subject)

Jul. 13th, 2017 10:34 am[personal profile] kittydesade
Well, capoeira class was good and I felt energized and okay after doing it even with the humidity making me horribly overheat, and we mastered some new moves that I should practice shortly. And then I got home and got writes done and went on what turned out to be an entertaining twitter tirade (a fair few people RT'd what I thought was angry incoherence so okay then) and got more writes done and got to bed and woke up really sore aaaaand.

Got to work.

Heard someone banging on the doors ten minutes before open.

It turned out to be a truck delivery guy with a pallet of about 200lb 450lbs of chemicals. (I can math I swear. Nine bags of 50lb each.)

And guess who got to unload them all.

I am so goddamn tired and it's barely half an hour into work. Ugh. I can probably find the energy to write somewhere but right now all I want to do is lie down and stare at the ceiling. And not call the lawyer I really should call at some point today. Maybe around lunch. Maybe I'll just email.

I did manage to get caught up to where I should be on Starlight last night, which is good. I don't want to say it too loudly lest I scare it but I might actually finish the second draft of this novel in Camp Nanowrimo. I have to resist the urge to push my word count back up though because no. I do not need the stress of trying to meet a higher word count when it's possible the novel would be satisfied by a lower one. If I make it up to a higher word count so be it. Also you're exhausted and prone to not thinking clearly.

The retail therapy itch keeps happening but no, I don't need to get anything immediately so calm your tits and your wallet fingers, self. I mean I will need a haircut in the next couple of weeks for my bangs, and I'll get my brows styled by a professional at the same time but other than that I'm good on just about everything, I think. Besides, retail therapy is usually a sign that I'm tired and stressed.

So. Deep breaths today. I want to get some work done on Starlight and as much of that edited as possible, hide in happy pretendy fun time people, read some fiction book because I have so many I haven't been reading. Weed the garden or at least make a start of it. Get kits made at work because I've been letting that slide. Contact the lawyer, probably call him at this point. Which means checking on future appointments with the aunt. One step at a time, all of these are things I can do easily. One step at a time, and no retail therapy, no food therapy that makes you hyper and crash, no lounging therapy that makes your muscles seize up because you did a lot of exercise and now you need to stretch. Let's be healthy, self. We can take it slower and be healthy.

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